Balance

This year (2013) has been tough. I never properly came out of my yearly downturn. I have dragged myself as best I could but I mut admit that I am royally fed-up with it all.

A new antidepressant (Escitalopram) and a new anti-psychotic (Abilify) seemed to work for a while. My energy lifted - in fact it lifted a bit too much - and I calmed down - in fact I calmed down a bit too much.

And here is the rub: too much is no good and too little is no good either. I live in that place where balance is all. Balance = Stability. I live on a high wire I keep falling off from. Even when I don't fall off, staying on it is exhausting.

What I mean by that is that I have to monitor myself constantly. Am I:

  • Eating properly? (very hard when constantly nauseated by the medication)
  • Sleeping well enough? (the only thing I can really control here is my bedtime routine)
  • Keeping my thinking positive? (making sure I don't catastrophise)
  • Acknowledging my feelings and processing them well? (rather than pretend I am OK when I am not)
  • Keeping active as much as my energy allows me? (whilst also making sure I allow myself the rest I need)
  • Being kind to myself? (as much and as easily as I am kind to others)

All this requires super self-awareness. Self-awareness, exhausting as it is, is essential but it is NOT sufficient.  I also need to switch off and get into mindfulness.  In other words, I need to let go of all control.  Here is another area of balance that requires energy: awareness vs mindfulness. When do I switch from one to the other? Usually when I have run out of steam and vigilance is no longer possible for me.

I think this is where I go wrong. I need to practice mindfulness more. I need to practice switching off before I have no other choice but to collapse against the switch.

I will admit to something I don't fully understand: I find it easier to switch off when I have lots of energy than I do when I am very low on energy.  This makes no sense to me and yet I experience this again and again. I go to my yoga, meditation and deep breathing with no problem when my energy is good. When my energy is low, I find it easier (almost automatic) to switch on into super awareness than I do to switch off into mindfulness. Switching off then feels like climbing mount Everest.

Why is that?

What could I do to improve on this? I don't have the answer (yet) - I am just asking the question.

I like asking questions and waiting for the answer to come to me. It feels like awareness (asking) and mindfulness (letting go) all in one go. At least that's ONE thing I get a good balance on  :D

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O método magra para sempre funciona ou é só mais um método que promete perda de peso rápida e indolor? Eu também já me fiz esta pergunta por diversas vezes. Cada vez que uma dieta invade a mídia, lá vou eu pesquisar sobre ela. Afinal, quem é que não quer emagrecer, não é verdade? Se você fizer uma breve enquete, nas ruas, me arrisco a dizer que quase todas as pessoas vão dizer que querem emagrecer. Ou pergunte aos amigos e colegas de trabalho ou faculdade. Você verá que praticamente todos estão querendo emagrecer e vão dar receitinhas e conselhos sobre como fazer isso.

Se conselho fosse bom não seria de graça

Pedir conselho também era uma prática cotidiana para mim. Mas, se conselho fosse bom, não seria de graça, dizem. E esse ditado popular nunca fez tanto sentido pra mim. Se você – assim como eu – tem dificuldade em emagrecer e manter o peso, então deve ter ouvido muita coisa a respeito do que emagrece e do que engorda. Já deve ter virado a internet do avesso procurando por uma fadinha que te jogue um pozinho mágico sobre o corpo – e derreta seus quilos extras em segundos.

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O único bom conselho que recebi gratuitamente na vida veio da minha mãe. Uma frase genérica, mas de efeito bombástico. Hoje, numa dessas empreitadas na internet em busca do emagrecimento milagroso, ela me solta aquela frase, assim, como um raio na minha cabeça, me chamando para a realidade da vida: “pare de procurar chifre em cabeça de cavalo”.

Então me dei conta. Todo mundo, que te dá N conselhos para emagrecer, continua gordo. Sabe por quê? Porque essas coisas não existem. É procurar chifre em cabeça de cavalo!

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