Depressing Depression

I think I spoke too soon. There I was wondering whether I would soon need to decrease my medication and the old depression decided to kick in BIG time, just to remind me of what I would be like without the tablets.

Over the last two days, I have started to feel locked behind bars again, a prisoner of my bi-polar disorder.

I know only too well that my illness is two things:

  1. It is that which it is
  2. It is also how I react or respond to that which it is.

I know I am not well when I find it more and more difficult to respond positively. The trouble is: clinical depression is depressing! It is so easy to slide down the vicious circle of self-reinforcing negativity.

I cannot find very much to feel positively about - within myself anyway. I can think of thousands of things to be grateful for in my life but then I feel like I don't deserve them. Looked at rationally, I am aware that this is a ridiculous feeling but feelings are not 'rational'. Just like bi-polar disorder, they too are that which they are - and the way I respond to the way I feel is just as important as the way I respond to my illness.

So how do I feel? I feel old, fat and useless.

How do I feel about that? I feel stupid and pathetic.

How do I feel about that? I feel embarrassed.

How do I feel about that? I feel nothing - I feel blank.

How do I feel about that? I feel strangely relieved.... It's as if 'feeling nothing' was  somehow restful.

How do I feel now? OK. Detached but OK. I am becoming aware that I don't like feeling nothing and - because of it - I feel bad about it. I now recognise that not feeling anything for a while gives me a break. I guess I needed this break.

What if I responded to this current bout of depression as if it were a holiday rather than a prison? I think I'd feel a lot better about my temporary confinement (so long as I don't have to think of myself in a swim suit! :D )

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