Dozed off my Feet

It was bound to happen: after my few days of cleaning and clearing, I am in serious dozing mode. This is the bottom of my little bi-polar wave. Up and down, up and down. Today is definitely down.

I have trouble keeping my eyes open and all I want to do is lie down. Even sitting in a chair is too much work. I don't know why but there is something very specific about the sort of tiredness I feel on my downs: I can only rest properly if I am lying down. Sleeping in a chair as I am doing in the little cartoon above is physically impossible for me. My feet must be up and my head must be down. This frustrates me no end because:

  • I can't snatch a quick power nap here and there to rest and recharge as I go. My hubby is great at that. He can sleep sitting up (after lunch is his favourite nap time) and he really goes for it. I can't do it.
  • I have to go to bed and there is nothing subtle about going to bed in the middle of the day. It really says "I am knackered" or worse "I am sick". Unfortunately, I have come to associate being in bed during the day with very bad times, when I could not function at all and had no choice but to stay in bed for days on end.
  • It messes with my hair!!!! Who wants to find themselves with 'morning hair' at 5.00pm?!? It really doesn't help me feel any better...

This is classic me in a way: I am all one thing OR another. I am either up and about OR in bed - there's nothing 'in-between'. I am building an extension whilst cooking for an army and working my way through piles of laundry AND paperwork, OR I am stuck in bed like a dribbling blob of jelly.

In this sense, bi-polar syndrome (or manic depression) is a very accurate metaphor for the way I function. The question is the classic 'chicken or the egg': do I function in this way because I have bi-polar syndrome OR have I ended up having bi-polar syndrome because I function in this way? There doesn't seem to be a set medical answer to that one even if the medical establishment leans towards bi-polarism as the cause of my external behaviour. The alternative health movement, on the other hand, leans towards bi-polarism as the manifestation of my inner state.

My instinct and my experience tell me that bi-polarism is both the cause and the manifestation, which is why I take full responsibility for my healing whilst at the same time being very diligent about taking my medication.

I look at it this way: if I walk long enough with a rubbing shoe, I'll end up with a blister. If I walk long enough with a blister, I'll end up limping. If I limp for long enough, I'll end up unable to walk normally. If I don't walk normally, it is highly likely that I'll have blisters because my shoes will rub, etc...Over the years, I may have put plasters on my blisters, or even changed my shoes, or walked barefoot, or even stopped walking altogether. Whichever way, the result is the same: walking has become problematic for me. It's no wonder lying down is such an attractive proposition for my poor feet!

All that talk of feet has actually cheered me up because it has made me think of shiny new shoes - my favourite!

Who cares whether or not I limp to get to the nearest shoe shop?

Not me :0)

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