Even Miracles don't last...

After a day of Amazing Grace, today was a day of Slipped Back down the Hole.  Fortunately the hole wasn't a Black Hole so, although my energy was low, I didn't feel like my very marrow was being sucked out by some hungry dog.  You have to be grateful for small mercies ....

I have pretty much stayed glued to my armchair watching DVDs and TV. I am a great Who Dunnit fan and as it happens today was Agatha Christie's Hercule Poirot day on channel 3 and I received my complete Miss Marple DVD set through the post. Watching both imaginary detectives in action has helped me keep my spirits up.

The most important thing when being hit with clinical depression is to remain happy. If I say this to a 'normal' person he or she looks at me like I am speaking some extra-terrestrial language. For him or her being depressed is exactly the opposite of being happy. In Bi-Polar Land it isn't so.

Naturally it is HUGELY difficult to keep your spirits up when every single cell in your body is dragging you down towards hell and your mind is sinking towards the blackest of blacks. I know that from lengthy and painful experience.

But it is possible to maintain your morale when under attack from depression, for a while anyway. My own upper limit is 10 days. Past that I call my psychiatrist.

I have found that the following 'steps' help me keep buoyant when seriously depressed:

  1. Acknowledge what is happening
  2. Accept what is happening, as much as I am able to
  3. Accept that accepting what is happening makes it OK for me to hurt like hell
  4. Accept that I don't like hurting like hell - I may be depressed but I am not a masochist
  5. Release the pain by crying it out (I usually howl in the toilet) or screaming it out (in a pillow so that I don't alert the whole neighbourhood)
  6. Accept that releasing is good for me even if I feel a right idiot howling and screaming
  7. Remember that I have been through this process many times before and come out of it OK (this helps me deal with the fear that I am slipping back towards hospitalisation)
  8. Have comforting food or watch something I like or smell something nice, whatever it takes to help my body remember that it is capable of feeling good.
  9. Tell my husband I have gone through this process
  10. Breathe gently but deeply and giggle to myself about what I have just lived through AGAIN, whilst avoiding looking into the future. The present moment is enough for me to cope with!

Today I didn't feel bad enough to need my 10 Steps (I am 2 steps short from the Alcoholics Anonymous process but I am getting close!).

Tomorrow I might.

Tonight is enough for now. It is now 2am and I am fighting with my resistance to go and have a shower.

Ah well ....  *Plus ça change et plus c'est la même chose  :D

*The more things change the more they stay the same.

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