Happy Misery to me .....

As midnight has now passed, it is officially my birthday. Happy Birthday to me.

Birthdays are usually an opportunity for reflecting on the previous year so here goes. When I entered a new decade last year, and even though I felt my usual low self in January, I was full of optimism and enthusiasm for the future. I was convinced the previous decade of my big crash was left behind and it was time to move on. I even referred to that decade as my Fecking Awful Fifties and saw myself entering my Sensational Sixties.

One year on and I feel very differently. I continuously count all my blessings and yet I don't feel blessed. I look for every little positive thing I can focus on every day and yet I don't feel positive. It's January 2012 and this month is exactly the same as the worst previous Januarys. Nothing has changed, except that I am heavier than ever, my sleep is more erratic than ever, and my energy is lower than ever. I was hoping that imagining a brighter health future might bring it along but it appears I was wrong.

In truth, it's become harder and harder to remain positive when I feel so dreadful. It is harder and harder seeing the funny side of my situation without my laughter sounding hollow.

In short: I am royally FED UP. I feel despondent, discouraged and desolate.

Uncomfortable as it is, I am telling the truth.

One thing I do NOT want to feel is sorry for myself. There is so much suffering in this world, my situation doesn't warrant self-pity and yes I do have so much to feel grateful for. I fact my inability to FEEL grateful and appreciative drives me nuts. I want to give myself a good shake. I tell myself to buck my ideas up, to stop being such a spoiled brat, to cheer the hell up. Then I realise that giving myself a hard time because I feel dreadful isn't likely to help me feel better so I become my best friend and speak to myself nicely. That tends to help a little more, for a while anyway.

Dear God I am such a sack of misery right now I can't stand it. I feel a prisoner in my own home, in my own skin, in my own brain.

Ok - time to get my Inner Coach to work or else I might just swallow all my medication in one go.

SELF-COACHING SESSION

  • What if there were a single thought that would make me feel better right now, what would it be?

Er.... .... .... ....        I am writing and it feels good.

  • Excellent. HOW does this feels good?

It feels good because it feels like my misery is gently transferring itself onto my screen. I feel like I have a little bit more room to breathe. I also feel I don't have to cover my pain with false jollity, and being authentic always feels good because it feels right. I feel like I am suddenly speaking from my gut rather than from my brain, and my head feels more comfortable. I feel lighter and a little brighter.

  • What could I do to hang on to that feeling and to nurture it further?

Er .... .... ....       I could remind myself that I am a writer and talk to myself as a writer, even if I am laid out in bed at 3pm.  I could focus on what I might feel like writing next - whatever that might be without prior judgement or prejudice.

  • So, am I saying that I can be a writer even in January?

I guess so. If I think about writing and I write, then I am a writer - irrespective of how I feel and of all the other things I can't do. I don't need to leave the house to write - I don't even have to leave my bed.

  • Good. So how am I feeling now?

Better. I am feeling better.

  • Excellent. As it is my birthday, what writing present to myself would really make my day and would be worth celebrating?

I have been thinking of re-writing the end of Conversations with Batty - How Talking to Myself Kept Me Sane but I haven't done anything about it yet.

  • So, what am I going to do about it?

Tomorrow, I will re-read the last two chapters and start the re-writing process.

  • What if I feel even worse tomorrow, what will I do to ensure I start the ball rolling?

I am committing to reading the chapters. That's a start. Anything else I can do will be a bonus. No pressure.  No pressure and a first few steps - that feels good.

  • Like a nice Birthday Present to myself?

Yes - and I'll read those two chapters while drinking a lovely coffee from the wonderful coffee machine my darling hubby bought me for my birthday!

  • Great. I seem to have helped myself and moved forward a bit. That's worth celebrating.

Happy Birthday to me,  Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday dear me-ee, Happy Birthday to me :D

Happy Birthday to you!

and oh my god - you described exactly how I feel - SPOT ON. Oh god, I sympathise - I do NOT pity but oh god do I RECOGNISE. Will try taking a leaf out of your book. I wish you all good things for the coming year and hope, for you, THAT THIS YEAR IT DOES HAPPEN.

with love
Tess

Thank you Tess

Hello again my dear - I wish I could say that I am happy you feel/have felt the same way but that would be wishing hell onto you!

It's good to know we are not alone though, insn't it  :D

Much love

Gabrielle xx

Coaching Session Update

It is now 2.30am on the day following my birthday. I am not sleeping (as usual) but I am glad to say I kept my commitment to myself. Not only did I read the last two chapters of 'Conversations with Batty - How Talking to Myself Kept me Sane' but I enjoyed it so much I re-read the whole book.

I hadn't read this book in months (years even) and I was surprised at how good it felt to read it. So good that I have decided to leave the last chapters exactly as they are. I have also decided to send a copy to my publishers. This is a big step because until now I have shied away from it. I am not sure exactly why but it appears I am now ready to release it.

I guess when the time is right, the time is right  :0)

Much love to you all.

Gabrielle xx

Book relaese

Hi Gabrielle

Delighted that you have tgaken this, for your, huge step forward.

Perhaps it will now provide you with something else to consider, rather that just yourself.

Are you now writing B ATTY II ' More conversations', if not why not

 

Look back on your Blogs, mosdt of the conversations are there, all they need is to pull them apart and put them back in their righ order

Hi, I am at it again.

As always with love, JC

Thank you JC

YES! I am writing more comversations  :D xxxxxxxx

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