The Master Builder

Gabrielle with Closed for Renovations sign

I very much enjoy my conversations with my friend S. Unfortunately for her, she too has suffered greatly at the hands of a serious illness so she is the only person whom I can see at 4.00pm still in my dressing-gown and nightie without feeling embarrassed - or worse, guilty. S understands, not just in her brain (she is a very bright academic person), but in every fiber of her being. It takes a seriously ill person to truly understand another; S and I have developed a wonderful communication shorthand to answer the question: "how are you today?". Just one look, or a subtle turning down of the bottom lip tells us both all that we need to know. It's so good, we should patent it :0)

One rainy afternoon, S shared some of her childhood and adolescence with me. 'Appalling' doesn't cut it. 'Heart-breaking' gets a little closer but is still inadequate. Some of what S has experienced should never be part of anyone's life. Full stop.

Because S is much younger than I am, we then talked about our thirties in life, a time of power for us all because we are then strong enough and experienced enough to re-invent ourselves - if we have the courage and the self-awareness indispensable to the task. S has both, in bucket-loads. And so, she is slowly but surely ripping the Blue Print she inherited from her up-bringing and using the traumatic experience of her illness as a springboard to design herself a new Blue Print - the true real S - and looking forward to Building from it. S is an inspiration (and she has beautiful eyes and hair too, even if she doesn't see it for herself. I won't even mention the rest of her....)

Inspired by S, I looked at my recent experience in the light of my own Blue Print. I knew instantly that the Gabrielle Blue Print (the one I designed for myself in my own thirties) was sound and hadn't essentially been changed by what I had lived through. Something was nagging at the back of my mind though, and it took me a while to bring it forward to conscious awareness.

Suddenly I knew two things:

  • I had done a relatively shoddy job of Building from my Gabrielle Blue Print - most probably because I rushed through it. (No doubt my Internal Clock had something to do with that). It could also simply be that my enthusiasm carried me forward a little too fast and that I did not have the Building experience to do better. It could simply be that it was the way it was and was meant to be. I am not getting a feeling of guilt or inadequacy here - just a feeling of recognition. After all, even the Mirrors in my Building were a little crooked.
  • I had arrived at a time in my life where I could rebuild as a Master Builder. This thought brought a wave of joy to my heart. I could rebuild as a Master Builder! I now had the experience, the know-how, the knowledge, the data, the desire - everything I needed to Build myself the life my Heart and Soul yearned for. There is so much pleasure in the Building process that it takes the pressure off the need to have the building already finished. 'Brick by brick' is somehow so much more satisfying than one 'step at a time', even if it eventually adds up to the same thing.

I cannot find the words to express what these words are doing to me as I write them. I feel like I am drinking Light :0)

Others teach us so much if only we grow the ears that are necessary to listen to what they are saying. When they trust us with sharing a piece of their Heart, it is ours that we feed. When they love us enough to share a piece of their Soul, it is our own that soars.

S, thank you. May you Build yourself the Life you so richly deserve.

My building process

I didn't get my building process right the first time, so I've tried to compensate over the years by adding several extensions and a conservatory. I also have two garden sheds. There is no room in my garage to park my car any longer.

Shall I hire a new architect?

Building process

 LOL!  I think you probably need a new architect, but, if you ever need anyone to Shed Light on anything for you, you know where to come :0)

 G xxxxx

I too spoke to S this

I too spoke to S this evening, and would like the chance to talk more. I was diagnosed as depressed 4 or 5 yrs ago and have never received treatment of the therapy kind for this (medication - yes). I didn't say before because there's always people about and I've been judged too many times on this matter previously, I feel safe to be surrounded by familiarity and people who are "in the know" for the first time in my life, even though I don't know you or you I, I just feel safe.

thank you both.

xxJxx

Feeling Safe

Hi J,

I know exactly what you mean. Part of me dealing with this stuff has been to be very open about it but the reactions you get from some can really put you off. The word 'depression' is far too readily used so people think they know how you feel because they broke a nail last week or something! People around here are brilliant though and you will not find more understanding and caring people. So welcome to the neighbourhood!

Been as busy as we are, Gabrielle and I seem to be consuming quite a lot of coffee at the moment so next time I'll give you a shout and you can join us if you feel up to it.

Anyway, sorry Gabrielle for using your blog to gossip! You offer a great service even without trying!! Thanks for helping many of us understand what we are going through

S xx

Supporting one another is not Gossip :0)

S & J, I am all for extending our superb coffee support network - it's done wonders for me because it has enabled me to reconnect 'safely' (you are both right: that word is SO important) with a part of me that I had lost in the storm of my illness :0) G xxx

It's like we have to scurry

It's like we have to scurry off and look for the best things to be busy about when things get really serious like this. - Flemings Ultimate Garage

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