Positive Gloss

 

For years, when people spoke of depression or moods, I felt like they were speaking a totally different language from mine.

For them, feeling depressed was feeling:

  • Blah or blue
  • Unenthusiastic
  • Apathetic
  • Disinterested
  • Discouraged

Fo me, feeling depressed was feeling:

  • Black
  • Unable to function
  • Comatose
  • Disintegrated
  • Dying

I used to get so angry when people spoke of 'pulling your socks up' or 'pulling yourself together'. For me, there were no feet (let alone any socks) and there was no Self left to pull. 

Ironically, it is only now (as I am recovering) that I am starting to understand what people generally mean by feeling depressed. It is as if I had to get this WELL in order to experience what other people refer to as depression!

The same can be said about moods. Bi-Polar Syndrome is referred to as a mood disorder. That used to make me crazy! I used to shout to whosoever would listen that feeling like your body is encased in concrete is not a 'mood'.

Again, it is only now that I am as stable as I am that I am experiencing my own moodiness. This is new territory for me. Having suffered at the hands of my father's unpredictable behaviour for years, I now realise that I did not tolerate, and therefore allow, my own fluctuations - they were too scary. They took me back to a fearful place I had left many years ago. The truth is: I was naive in my neglect.

I now understand that my years of not allowing my internal earth tremors eventually unleashed a volcanic eruption. No wonder the 'earth tremor language' of others did not match my own 'volcanic eruption language' about depression and mood disorders! It took for me to be cracked open, for all the internal scalding lava of my deepest fears to finally come up to the surface of my conscious awareness, for me to feel at peace with my 'tremoring'. My volcanic metaphor also fits what is happening these days: when it has cooled down, lava makes a wonderfully fertile soil and I feel like there is a lot of growing happening, one little shoot at a time. I am not sure of what is growing exactly but I can see its greening presence already.

My newly tolerated tremors mean that I can no longer paint a steady gloss over myself - it just doesn't work anymore, and if I try too hard I end up with a very messy me. Positive thoughts are like cosmetics: there to enhance what is and to conceal small defects but never to obliterate what lives and shame what needs attention. Perhaps I should launch a new brand of Coaching Cosmetics.

Now there's an idea......

HANG IN THERE.

HANG IN THERE.

Thank yo Mike

I am indeed hanging! :D xx

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