Sorting Things Out

After a few days of being dozed off my feet, I have resumed my office-clearing extravaganza. As a result of all that sorting out, two things have happened:

  1. I have found great physical stuff I had forgotten I had,
  2. I have found not so great emotional stuff that I thought I no longer had.

I have found real treasures in my office: wonderful books I read years ago and which are now 'calling' to be re-read. I love books. My idea of a wonderful office space is one with a large window on one wall and wall-to-ceiling books on the other three walls. I'd love to have a big ladder on wheels to travel from one row of books to another, just as they have in some libraries. I love books because they are both a pleasant physical entity AND a powerful ethereal one. The physicality of books is obvious: paper, printing, cover, pages, images, weight, width, length, thickness. The 'ethereality' (I don't hesitate to create words when they don't exist!) is less obvious but just as real: the meaning, intention and 'teaching' of the author AND the meaning, understanding and 'learning' of the reader. Yes, I know. There is supposed to be a right way to analyse the contents of a book, but is there really only one way to absorb the meaning of a book? Contents are measurable but meaning is unlimited. Each reader - or even the same reader at different times - absorbs a very personal and unique meaning. That's the power of books: they are finite entities with infinite impact. I am so happy to have 'found' my books. I know they will teach me so much more than I have already learnt from them.

As for the emotional stuff, I seem to be travelling in the opposite direction: I am not finding treasures but garbage. I am finding that things I thought I had got rid off are still stuffed inside of me, festering ....  This has come as a nasty shock and yet I am not altogether surprised. When I last spoke to my counsellor J, she asked aloud what could be causing those chemical ups and downs in me. I answered they were probably caused at some level by residual fear, mixed in with some bitterness and resentment. I felt it, without really understanding it. I now know I was right.

So, I have been working with The Journey process, created by Brendon Bays, to do some internal emotional cleaning. I now know what some of my stored fear, bitterness and resentment are. Now that I know what they are, I can finally release them. Releasing them is part of my own healing journey. I am amazed by how much emotional content is held within some of my apparently inane internal 'stories'. It's not that had forgotten them but rather that I had remembered them only too well, too vividly for them to be trivial memories. I consider cleansing those memories and cleaning them out of my system as important as taking my medication. I work on my healing whilst my medication works on my neurological repair and chemical stability. My responsibility is to give my experience, understanding, knowledge, intuition and creativity a clean 'internal office' for them to work in. THEY are treasures too, and it is the least I can do to show my appreciation and gratitude for their presence in my life,

I have never looked down upon cleaning jobs. In fact, after the collapse of my first marriage, amongst other work, I cleaned toilets to help make ends meet. Many people might look upon this as dirty 'untouchable' work - I always saw it as 'service to others' work.

Now I know how valuable it is for me to be 'servicing' myself (no sexual connotation intended!), and to 'be of service' to me. :0)

It is always important that

It is always important that we know how to handle ourselves and give time to it in most comfortable way. - Nova Publishers

Our thoughts match perfectly

Our thoughts match perfectly and what doesn't match is that you are still dreaming of it and I already own such spacious living room on my own. I even made some custom paper works to fill the empty spaces of the three walls that are filled with books of nearly million species. Hope you would definitely meet me in my house!

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