Sorting Things Out

After a few days of being dozed off my feet, I have resumed my office-clearing extravaganza. As a result of all that sorting out, two things have happened:

  1. I have found great physical stuff I had forgotten I had,
  2. I have found not so great emotional stuff that I thought I no longer had.

I have found real treasures in my office: wonderful books I read years ago and which are now 'calling' to be re-read. I love books. My idea of a wonderful office space is one with a large window on one wall and wall-to-ceiling books on the other three walls. I'd love to have a big ladder on wheels to travel from one row of books to another, just as they have in some libraries. I love books because they are both a pleasant physical entity AND a powerful ethereal one. The physicality of books is obvious: paper, printing, cover, pages, images, weight, width, length, thickness. The 'ethereality' (I don't hesitate to create words when they don't exist!) is less obvious but just as real: the meaning, intention and 'teaching' of the author AND the meaning, understanding and 'learning' of the reader. Yes, I know. There is supposed to be a right way to analyse the contents of a book, but is there really only one way to absorb the meaning of a book? Contents are measurable but meaning is unlimited. Each reader - or even the same reader at different times - absorbs a very personal and unique meaning. That's the power of books: they are finite entities with infinite impact. I am so happy to have 'found' my books. I know they will teach me so much more than I have already learnt from them.

As for the emotional stuff, I seem to be travelling in the opposite direction: I am not finding treasures but garbage. I am finding that things I thought I had got rid off are still stuffed inside of me, festering ....  This has come as a nasty shock and yet I am not altogether surprised. When I last spoke to my counsellor J, she asked aloud what could be causing those chemical ups and downs in me. I answered they were probably caused at some level by residual fear, mixed in with some bitterness and resentment. I felt it, without really understanding it. I now know I was right.

So, I have been working with The Journey process, created by Brendon Bays, to do some internal emotional cleaning. I now know what some of my stored fear, bitterness and resentment are. Now that I know what they are, I can finally release them. Releasing them is part of my own healing journey. I am amazed by how much emotional content is held within some of my apparently inane internal 'stories'. It's not that had forgotten them but rather that I had remembered them only too well, too vividly for them to be trivial memories. I consider cleansing those memories and cleaning them out of my system as important as taking my medication. I work on my healing whilst my medication works on my neurological repair and chemical stability. My responsibility is to give my experience, understanding, knowledge, intuition and creativity a clean 'internal office' for them to work in. THEY are treasures too, and it is the least I can do to show my appreciation and gratitude for their presence in my life,

I have never looked down upon cleaning jobs. In fact, after the collapse of my first marriage, amongst other work, I cleaned toilets to help make ends meet. Many people might look upon this as dirty 'untouchable' work - I always saw it as 'service to others' work.

Now I know how valuable it is for me to be 'servicing' myself (no sexual connotation intended!), and to 'be of service' to me. :0)

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.