Verbal Diarrhoea

I am used to taking to myself - in fact I have elevated it to an art form. I wrote a whole book based on that premise and very useful too it was in my recovery. Conversations with Batty is an exercise in unbridled self-talk and, much to my surprise, I found there was a lot of wisdom locked in that internal dialogue.

Since I started on the mood-stabilising medication again, something entirely new has been happening. I think out loud. All the time. My husband often remarks on it when he hears me prattle on in another room in the house. Roni, who regularly contributes to my Facebook Page nailed it when she wrote "it's hard to keep my thoughts to myself". That's exactly right. It requires effort for me to think with my mouth shut.

Talking to myself has usually been my way to consciously:

  • engage my whole of my brain
  • motivate myself to start something
  • encourage myself to keep going
  • give myself a good kick up the backside when I need it
  • give myself some compassion and understanding when my immediate response to my 'failings' is to give myself a hard time. My husband often says to me "I think you should be harder on yourself"....

In other words, when I talk to myself I choose to do so.

This latest 'spewing out' of my shouting thoughts happens subconsciously. I catch myself doing it and it requires conscious effort to stop it. Left to my own devices, I blabber on all day. It gives the expression 'verbal diarrhoea' its full meaning!

What's that all about? What part of my brain has been unwittingly 'activated' by the medication? Is this a common side-effect? If it is, it is not mentioned anywhere on the information leaflet that is included with the tablets.

In truth, it's not much of an inconvenient side-effect - there are much worse! Having said that, anything that seems to take control of the way I function is interesting to me, fascinating even.

I wish psychiatry was more connected to neuroscience. I wish I could plug my brain into a little machine and watch on screen which parts of my brain are lighting up or dimming down during the hour that follows my ingesting my medication. 

I wish I could SEE what goes on in there instead of just being on the receiving end of the changes that occur, those that are sought and those that are total surprises.

In the meantime, I'll just have to keep thinking out loud. It's just as well I am on my own for most of the day because I can readily imagine that co-workers sharing an office with me would want to gag me by now. The more irate ones might even want to shut me up for good!

Come to think of it, I'd quite like to gag me. Only the cat seems to enjoy the constant flow of language that surrounds her. At least, I think she enjoys it - I think out loud that is.... :0)

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