Weathering the Weather

 

I have been living under my own weather system these past few weeks. The weather outside is pretty irrelevant. If anything, I prefer 'bad' weather because it is easier for me to feel ghastly when there is little else I could do but stay indoors. I find warm sunny days really hard to handle when my internal weather is on the dark rainy side.  This is counter-intuitive:  most people expect me to feel better when the sun is shining.

Feeling 'depressed' just because it is raining is a luxury I have never been able to afford. In truth, external events do not make me feel depressed: sad certainly, despondent often, discouraged occasionally, but depressed never. Depression for me has always been an internal state that occurs without any external reason. That's what makes it so challenging to accept.

Say that you are depressed to any 'normal' human being and the first question that comes at you is 'why?'. Believe me, you feel like a total twit when you hear yourself answering 'no reason'. The look on the other person's face varies from surprise to bewilderment:  that answer doesn't make any sense. Irritating but true. 

Only people who have suffered from clinical depression understand my reply. I know who they are straight away because they do not ask anything - they just say "I am sorry to hear that" and then they stay knowingly quiet. Sometimes I amuse myself thinking that we, the clinically depressed lot, belong to some underground society with its own language! Forget the secret handshake: how about that subtle look in the eyes and the faint smile that goes with it. We then know that the other knows.

What kind of an illness is it that can rob us of the most powerful instinct there is: our survival instinct? The word 'suicide' doesn't really hit home with most people but just think about it for a few seconds: self-destruction. How can that be?!? Human beings are known to achieve extreme external feats just to stay alive and we, the clinically depressed, have to achieve extreme internal feats just to stay un-dead! This illness is the world upside down and inside out......

On a lighter note, I have decided to give my internal weather warning a name: I call it Michael Fish. Yep, I have my very own little weatherman and he does a very good job of warning me of clouds ahead. Occasionally, he gets it spectacularly wrong (remember the storm of '87) but on the whole he does a pretty good job!  These days, I don't just watch the weather forecast on TV - I also watch my internal forecast on my face. I have found that my eyes and my tongue (yes, you've read that right) are very good indicators of my general well-being. When my eyes get that dim quality and my tongue looks very pale, I know that my internal barometer is down. When my eyes are sparkly and my tongue is pink, I know that the sun is shining inside.

Today the sun is shining everywhere, inside and out. That's my favourite sort of weather but I have learnt to be happy with being at odds with what is going on in the world. I did say 'happy' and I meant it. I can now be happy even when I am depressed.

How about that for weathering the weather .... 

I relate to this post and

I relate to this post and just want to say, since i can't give you the "look," that I'm a part of the underground society. :) Glad you are happily depressed! or, even better, HAPPY!

 

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Weathering the Weather

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