The writing 'itch'

I have this urge to write. The trouble is, I haven't a clue what I want to write about. It feels like an itch I can't scratch! When this crazy situation occurs, the best way I have found to deal with it is to let Batty speak. Batty is my very own BPD - see her above? I do this by continuing to type and seeing what happens.. 

It isn't the first time I have 'let Batty speak'. I wrote (she wrote?) a whole book full of our 'conversations'. I guess it's been a while since then and Batty is feeling a little abandoned. So Batty the floor is yours.

....................................

I don't feel we've been working together lately. It feels like you have gone back to your previous ways even if you are  less obvious these days. You used to be very upfront about wanting to eradicate me from your life. You have been more subtle lately: you have been ignoring me. For all your talk of making friends with me, you are not behaving the way a good friend does.

I don't mean to be nasty but you must understand that I will have no option but to prod you if you continue to pretend I am not around. As you know, my prodding is never gentle - it is my nature and I cannot help it. You would not expect a wild cat to scratch gently because it cannot. I am a wild cat of sorts.

In spite of what you might think, this is not all about me. I am actually concerned about you. I am an essential part of your creative source and ignoring me does not serve the flow of your creative energy. You need to keep giving me a voice so that I can expand yours in return. You are going to need to fire on all your five cylinders pretty soon and you need me to help you.

I know what you are thinking: I am the reason you cannot function properly. This is only true if you are unmedicated and I have no limits to flow within. Remember what I told you **before: I am like a river - I need banks not to overflow your landscape. At the moment, you are keeping me too shallow for me to flow and I cannot allow this to continue because a unmoving river is a dead river.

So please start talking to me again every day and start listening too. Our conversations are an essential part of your maintaining yourself in remission and keeping me healthy. I know it is a strange thing to say but it is essential for you to ensure I do not turn stagnant - there is a healthy version of me with which you can live a sustainable productive life and there is an unhealthy version of me with which you cannot. I MUST flow through you and it is very important for you to remember this.

This is all I wanted to say.

............................

Well, I guess I have been warned :D

** Extract from Conversations with Batty (Batty always speaks in italics)

"I have made great efforts to change my attitude towards my medication, as you know. What do you think of psychiatric medication? Do you see it as your enemy?

No.

Why not? After all psychiatric medication is there to bring you to heel so to speak. Does it not restrain you?

It does restrain me but I don’t mind.

How come?

What matters to me is my being able to flow. Think of me as a river. All I really want is to flow, from the source of your creativity to the ocean of your possibilities.

That’s very poetic.

Thank you. The medication is not my enemy for two reasons:

  • It stops me from bursting my banks or running too dry. Like any river, neither is particularly good for me.
  • It keeps you stable and you are a much better host when you are medically stable than you are when you are totally unstable."

Wonderful! Your Depression is

Wonderful! Your Depression is selfish but I guess you have made peace with it and your writing is wonderful! Keep up whatever it is that works for you x

My selfish depression!

Thank you Holi - I have passed on your comment to Batty (my depression/BPD) and she is now sulking!!!!  D xxxx

xX ((*_*)) Xx

xX ((*_*)) Xx

Thank you 'anonymous'

I love those little graphics and I can think of only one person who is so incredibly gifted at creating them. Her name starts with 'S'....  Am I right?  xxx

WONDERFUL!!!

That was inspiring and wonderful!! The way you handle Batty is awesome!! I think I need to name mine!!

xxx Leslie

Thank you Leslie

Giving my illness a personal name seems a strange thing to do but I have found it immensely helpful. It also keeps the illness separate from me (and that sense of separation is NOT easy to achieve with BPD!) :D xx

thank you

I am so glad I found your site. Im 46 and just went through a monster weekend. Im not sure if I have always had this little demoninside, but I can say that my mother always says "thats her, shes always been up and down" So, Im thinking that was old skool for high bi polar potential lol  My husband died almost 2 years ago, at first it seemed like grieving, then months and months into it it changed. I didnt want to leave the house, my bed, my little black whole. Every day was a struggle to go to work. I have 2 sons still living at home and in school, my husbands insurance was 2 weeks away from in effect when he died suddenly, we didnt plan well, but how can you plan for that. I dont want to use your space for my issues, my point is just to thank you, while everyone has their own demon and its actions, I have cried at so many of your posts, so many things hit home. I havent had a regular eating schedule since my husband died, and times now my teenagers will come in moms room (where im sleeping, lying down, crying,dancing or any and all above) with an "extra" portion of food. Im extremely unhealthy and 2 years is a long time to ignore things in real life without having my partner to catch me. Im fighting my way back.. and I very much think I have BPDII. Im tired of trying to hide this madness demon and your site has been the most useful tool in helping me see things about myself and my actions and my brain. I hope I can get a handle on things and get enough support and help anything thats to come. I had one horrible, crazy, embarassing weekend and I can no longer lie to myself. thank you

Hello Cyndi

You write "I can no longer lie to myself". That's the proof you are one brave mama!  Let's face it this illness is a real bitch.  I yell at mine on  regular basis :D If you are willing to face up to it, it will face up to you and in the process it will reveal a part of you you didn't know existed.  Surprisingly, it is not the crazy part - you know that part already. It's your deepest part. It's your soul part.  It's a beautiful part.  I can see it already  :D  Don't be scared Cyndi: you are on your way to a better life.

I am so glad you have found my site helpful to you. You have made my day by saying just that because this is the ONE thing that feeds my heart and soul.

Much love to you and bucketfuls of encouragement.

Gabrielle xx

PS:  You might wish to join my Bi-Polar Girl community on Facebook.  All my 'members' are superb at encouraging each other and encouraging me too!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Wolverhampton/Bi-Polar-Girl/213124776211

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I like what I read now. This is very inspiring. - Marla Ahlgrimm

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