Depression

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What is the matter with me? I mean, apart from my usual mild madness ...  The minute I know I have something to do at a particular time I feel stressed.  It doesn't matter that it is something ridiculously easy, I still feel stressed.

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People who know me (doctors and friends alike) and deal with or are affected by deep depression and/or Bi-Polar Disorder often pay me a huge compliment.  They say that I manage my condition in a highly intelligent way. I always respond with humble appreciation and yet I know they are wrong.

The truth is: I don't manage my illness/condition.  I let it manage me.

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Today I feel 'normal'.  In other words I don't feel there is anything wrong with me.  My brain and my body are functioning as I would expect them to.  This feeling is intoxicating.

It is even dangerous because these are the days when I am tempted to get off my medication even if I know only too well that I am feeling the way I am BECAUSE I take the meds.

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My Bi-Polar Disorder LOVES to play tricks on me!  Just when I think I am doing really well, WHACK: my body stops functioning and my brain follows suit. The most annoying aspect of this recurring situation is that it happens even when I am 'medically stable' - i.e. on a cocktail of *drugs that are working well for me.

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A horrible thought came to me in a flash while I was in between sleep and awakeness one morning: what if I was attached to my bipolar disorder [BPD]? The horrible part of it was not so much the physical attachment (i.e. the fact that my biology is such that BPD is a life-lomg condition for me) but rather the psychological side of it (i.e. the fact that I might in some way be clinging to my BPD). I wish it had but that thought would NOT go away...

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Like all people who live in Bi-Polar Land (i.e. all of us who have Bipolar Disorder Type 1 or Type 2), sleep is very important to maintaing our stability. Because of this I read with interest anything I come across that 'sleep specialists' write about getting a good night sleep. I wish I didn't....

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After a second relapse and a stint of home hospitalisation, I am finally feeling better. It appears the new drugs regime is working. What I mean by 'working' is that it is giving me sufficient biological/physiological stability for me to access the sum total of my resources and experience. To me that's what drugs are for: they give me back ME.

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Whenever I have the opportunity to spend time with people who operate in the 'real' world, I have noticed that I always feel a strange mix of emotions afterwards. Following yesterday's BBQ organised by my hubby's work colleagues (a splendid bunch of people) today is no exception.

Here is my attempt at identifying those various emotions so that I am not left 'holding' a slightly painful and nauseating brew inside myself.  I feel:

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When we think 'Bi-Polar Disorder sufferers' we usually think of ourselves, those of us who Live in Bi-Polar Land (whether it is in the Mountains of BPD I or the High Plateaux of BPD II). We must never forget that our family (and close friends) suffer our illness too.

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