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When I am depressed I have lost count of the number of times people have told me "the sun is shining - that will make you feel better". It sounds logical but it also sounds like it comes from a healthy person who has never experienced clinical depression.

In fact, when I am very ill, a sunny day makes me feel worse because this is what goes on in my mind:

* The sun is shining I SHOULD feel better ...

Just as I was feeling better, my depression hit me again and I started to slide downwards. The last time I saw my psychiatrist we talked about whether, when I am well enough to do it, I could write 'something' to help me BEFORE I end up in the dangerous territory of suicidal ideation and obsession.

My brain is indeed a conundrum. I have now had an ECT (electro-convulsive therapy) treatment and although I am feeling a bit better my brain still feels like it weighs a ton in my head.

Admitedly, one ECT is not  what I would have had, had I gone into hospital. I know this because the last two times I was hospitalised this is the treatment I was offered - always with my consent - over the period of four weeks I was there:

Just when I was feeling better about feeeling depressed (https://www.bi-polargirl.com/blogs/gabrielle/rewarded-patience/12-feb-2024), I got a nasty surprise: a full sleepless night which for me spells disaster, especially as the medications I am on are meant to ensure that I do sleep...

I am well pleased with myself. Following my low energy episode (which I could call a depressive mood), I am happy because I feel I handled it well.

There are always two sides of the bipolar coin: how you feel and how you react to how you feel.

The underside of the coin is the bit that we don't often see for ourselves because it requires two things:

I had my maintenance ECT last week and I must say that my energy has remained low. On the Scale of 1 to 10, 1 being suicidal and 10 being very well (without veering into mania) I am operating at about 4. It's not disastrous but it's not particularly good either because all I want to do is sleep...

This is where the concept of 'maintenance' comes in - i.e. what do I mean by maintenance?

I have been re-reading many of my previous blog entries and it is surprising how healing I have found this to be.

The  last two days have been 'strange' for me because my energy has not been particularly low (it usually isn't following an ECT) and yet my mood has been low. This is a rare occurrence for me as it is usually the other way around: my energy collapses first and then a couple of days later my mood follows.