Weather & time of the year

When I am depressed I have lost count of the number of times people have told me "the sun is shining - that will make you feel better". It sounds logical but it also sounds like it comes from a healthy person who has never experienced clinical depression.

In fact, when I am very ill, a sunny day makes me feel worse because this is what goes on in my mind:

* The sun is shining I SHOULD feel better ...

* The weather is nice I SHOULD go for a walk ...

* It's a lovely day I SHOULD NOT be in bed ...

* It's a beautiful day I SHOULD have a shower and get dressed ...

Et cetera, et cetera...  You get the idea.  I keep 'shoulding' all over myself and it does NOT help me at all because piling on the guilt is not a good way to ensure I feel better.

In a strange roundabout way (strange if you have never been clinically depressed) it's easier to feel dreadful when the weather matches your energy and your mood.

Not only do we Bi-Polar Landers have to live in an upside down weather world, we also have to deal with seasonal cycles.

Although my depression will do its own thing and hit me over the head whenever it feels like it, I can GUARANTEE that I will be severely, dangerously even, depressed in January, February and March OR if January is OK then February, March and April which is worse because the weather is usually getting nicer and the 'shoulding' process then adds to my misery.

It feels like my depression robs me of three months of my life on top of the other days it takes at its whim. I have never to date managed to counteract this rhythm and the best I can do is 'plan' for it by making sure my daily schedule is as light as it possibly can be in order to avoid hospitalisation. I must admit that it makes me really angry, which of course isn't helpful at all but accepting this situation is extremely hard for me. At one stage I thought that 'planning for it' might bring it on so to speak but then I was shown again and again that ignoring it makes me feel even worse when it comes. It's a bit like watching the weather forcecast and ignoring it - it's better to take an umbrella if you know rain is coming.

As a result of all this, nevermind all the chocolate, Easter time is not my favourite holiday ...