Post ECT Blues

I had my maintenance ECT last week and I must say that my energy has remained low. On the Scale of 1 to 10, 1 being suicidal and 10 being very well (without veering into mania) I am operating at about 4. It's not disastrous but it's not particularly good either because all I want to do is sleep...

This is where the concept of 'maintenance' comes in - i.e. what do I mean by maintenance?

As far as I am concerned, maintenance ECT does its job when it stops me from falling into severe depression (number 1 on the above scale) and keeps me out of hospital. If I wanted to (and note that this would be MY decision) I could increase my ECT sessions from one every four weeks to one every two weeks this time of the year because anytime from January to April is my 'bad' time. So why don't I do it? Simply because I find preparing for an ECT stressful - note that I did not say an ECT itself but preparing for an ECT. 

So what do I mean by that?

• I have to get to the hospital in the next town by 8.15am/8.30am so having to get up early (6.30am) stresses me for two days beforehand because I am NOT good first thing in the morning and I like to start my day 'gently'
• This means that I don't sleep well the night before. 
• Having to change my meds - because Carbamazepine (Tegretol) the mood stabiliser I am on and of which I usually take 500mg at night contains an anti-epileptic I cannot take it the night preceding an ECT as it interferes with it. What is an ECT after all if not an induced highly controlled fit and the medication interferes with the spasms, which in turn interferes with the efficacy of the therapy. I can take Mirtazapine (anti-depressant) and Aripiprazole (anti-psychotic) as normal
• Having to test myself (with my husband's help) to make sure I am COVID negative
• Not being able to take my usual morning pain killer to deal with my usual morning headache caused by my evening medication
• Not being able to have a cup of water because I must not have anything to eat or drink past midnight before the ECT and that's because of the twenty minute general anaesthetic which precedes the ECT itself.

Once I have arrived at the hospital and I am put through the usual pre ECT checks, I am fine! :D

And so I put up with my 'low energy' as patiently as I can which means I also do my very best to stop myself from feeling depressed about being depressed.

This is the hard bit because it would be sooo easy for me to start beating myself up and judge myself as being useless - my favourite insult towards myself when I can't do very much.

The one thing that stops me from slipping into irritable self-pity is my poor husband.  It's bad enough for him to have to put up with me when I can't even get showered and dressed - he really does not need a disagreable pain-in-the-arse to top it all....